How are you spending quarantine?

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You know that moment in a movie, TV show or even anime when a character just flips out and tosses over a top, breaks a glass or vase or just or chops down a tree relentlessly until tears start flowing out? Have you ever seen a moment similar to that on TV? What about in real life? What do you think triggers those moments? I’m really curious.

My father had moments like those but his were different. They were verbal and sometimes physical. I grew up hating my father deeply. Countless days I’d have this constant singular thought in my brain “if only I was born in a different family.” Everything bad that ever happened to me I blamed him for it because of how much he screwed up my head. I thought I had gotten passed that, I thought I came to peace with it, but recent events make me want to blame him even more. My family is huge, so neglect was the equivalent of an ice cream sundae. My self confidence, self esteem, self love, passion, individualism; I put everything aside and became a shadow, because that was the best my little brain could come up with to hide from the “monsters.” I use that a derogatory term to represent every bad, unfamiliar, traumatic moment I went through.

At some point in my life I ended up in a psych ward at parkland for about three days. There many people there, everyone going through their own shit. My hip was in a lot of pain from recently dislocating it, it smelled, it was hard to breath and I felt very uncomfortable. All around were strangers in different stages of mental illness. The easiest way to describe would be to say, If you’ve ever watched one flew over the cuckoos nest or anything about psych wards or mental institutions. Of course it is exaggerated for entertainment purposes but they’re kinda spot on. After three days I was transferred to a behavioral health hospital in McKinney where I spent at least a week or slightly longer.

At least I had my own room, it was the very first time I truly felt isolated and relieved all at once. There was a guy there I forget his name, but he was young in his early twenties I think. He couldn’t speak very well, and he walked very oddly like he’d had a stroke. A few other patients there told me he blew a hole in his brain from smoking K2. There were older people there too, I felt so out of place and told myself I don’t belong here, I shouldn’t be here. It was exactly where I was suppose to be at the time. Now my sister is going through the exact same thing, out of my family I’m the only one whose experienced it before. So now there’s this pressure to know exactly what to say to her, to know how to talk to her, to know what to do when she is discharged. In truth, I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do.

The older I got the more and more I started to hear that childhood is a really important stage to cultivating a person. Every time I heard that sounded like total bullshit, not that I didn’t believe it, but rather I did. What is special about me? What is my dream? What are my goals? Who am I? What can I do right now, today that can me feel fulfilled in some way or just content? Nothing was cultivated during childhood, so now as an adult I realize just how hard it is to make something of yourself without having a base guideline.

In the first few sentence of this post I asked questions about moments when a character seems to lose their shit. My head feels like that right now. I feel this intense pit of energy, fire if you will that I have no idea what to do with. At the same time, my mood and emotion is cycling up and so fast that I can barely keep up with it. Though I am fairly in control of my actions, a practice I learned very young. I could have a million thoughts rushing through my head, but at the same time feel no physical or emotional attachments to those thoughts. Its a really weird and strange sensation, but I understand that it is a coping mechanism.

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