I want to choose happiness in the face of adversity. I want to, but can I?

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Dear God,

I had a great day today, for the most part. Today was something unlike anything I’ve had in a long time. I’m starting to develop new routines, and generally staying positive at work. I have some great Ideas coming in my head, I hope I can work on them soon. There is so much information I’ve absorbed in the past month that’s caused a lot of growth to take place. Yet, right now as I’m writing this, I feel at my lowest. None of the things I learned are working, none of my tools are helping. I want to scream, shout, break something, reek havoc. For anyone in the process of becoming their best self, listen up. Moments like this will happen, the world, nay the human mind is very unpredictable. However, nothing great has ever happened without some adversity. Continue forward! Don’t dwell on what you can’t change, focus on what’s in front of you.

It’s funny how sometimes, we can start to feel a little bit in control. For a moment, I was the master of the universe, my universe at least. I was able to dictate when and where I could give my trust, who and whom to share laughter with, and in a split second all that power just flies out the window. God, am I a lost cause? Can I ever achieve enlightenment? can I ever help shape people to become their best selves? Will there be a moment when I can go for two months, a year, five years, ten years, heck 40 years… without ever feeling this pit in my stomach. This bottomless, depressing, dark abyss being dug by everyone and everything around me, and I’m there helping.

Dear God, I want you to hear my prayers, I want you to really listen, I want to choose happiness in the face of adversity! And you know that I’m trying.

Lately I’ve been making very bold prayers and painting a clear picture in my head of the things I want to achieve. I’m also praying for other people, praying for my wife, praying for my family, praying for my coworkers. There’s someone who always says “don’t die!” instead of saying “bye, I’ll see you tomorrow” he says “don’t die.” I don’t blame him, majority of people don’t want to die, but it’s inevitable and will come for all of us when the good Lord deems it is our time. That phrase “don’t die” always makes me feel slightly depressed and sometimes makes me imagine being in a car wreck on my way home, and how ironic that would be for that person. Would they feel bad? would they feel like they somehow wished it into existence? Do they realize the gravity of what those two words “don’t die” can implicate. We need to do better guys, we need to think more clearly. Take into consideration what’s about to come out of your mouth before you say it. You can still say it, but you can you find a better way to say it. A slightly less shitty way so we don’t make ourselves and others feel terrible for absolutely no reason. Are you prepared to take on how that person will react? Realize in the end, there is no one to blame but yourself. So be humble, be real, but don’t be cruel.

Lord, all I can do is type right now, type away my prayers and wash away my fears of the world’s reaction from reading this. I’m praying for financial freedom, I’m praying for one day to become a pillar in the community, I’m praying that I can become a philanthropist, I’m praying to one day be a great amazing father to my son or daughter, I’m praying to become a better man and husband. I’m praying for my supporters and my haters, I’m praying for everyone that caused me sorrow today, I’m praying for everyone that has brought me joy today. I want the best for all of y’all, I want to help, I want to talk, I want to become a version of myself I never thought possible, I want to make motivational speeches, become a keynote speaker, become an accomplished personal trainer. Lord I’m praying to meet the right people, to get in touch with those that need their light to shine again. I’m praying for a savoir, I’m praying for Jesus Christ to surround my spirit inside and out, and lead me into this dark abyss and blow it away with a great burst of light.

Dear God, I want you to hear my prayers, I want you to really listen, I want to choose happiness in the face of adversity! And you know that I’m trying. Even when others refuse to see it, or choose to ignore it, I’m tired of pretending like I care about stupid shit. I’m tired of pretending that I’m okay with being talked to a certain way. I’m tired of putting people’s oxygen masks on first. It’s time I put mine on first. Then help others put their’s on.

Lord, I want to thank you for breathing life into me today. I know, It seems like I’m incredibly numb as I’m writing this to you. Who am I kidding, you’re God, you know exactly what’s going with me right now. I want to thank you for granting me an amazing second go around in this crazy game that is life. I wanted to give it up and be done with it, but you stopped in and said “you’re not done yet Ibrahim, you’ve got so much to offer to the world.” I want to make you proud of me, I want to impress you, I want to feel your holy ghost every second I draw breath.

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