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Feeling depressed/agitated today for NO fucking reason

I hate when my depression kicks in out of nowhere without warning or reason. What the fuck am I supposed to say when my wife asks “what’s wrong?” And I have no clue. Which just makes the situation worse because the awkward silence implies my mood is directed at her or from her. In fact it’s not. Does anyone with bipolar struggle with this? A dumb question I’m sure, but I’m just really annoyed at myself for starting fights or arguments that started out as good conversation all because the words to express why my current mood is the way it is, aren’t there.

Or maybe they are and I just don’t know how to work around them yet? Today was supposed to a great day, I got off work early, took a long much needed nap, got an errand or two done, and to end of the day I’m about to paint a tiny house I just started renting. I haven’t seen myself all day and she hasn’t seen me, I was excited at the thought of seeing her finally and I still am. I hoped she felt the same way too and I’m pretty sure she did, but I ruined it. I feel into my sadness, my brooding, my negative mood, and in a split second I reacted badly to a very simple question.

Now I feel like I fucked up my depression even more and encouraged it. I feel like I made her extremely sad and unhappy, and now I’m not sure if her seeing see at the end of day is even a good thing. If I keep causing unjustifiable pain to the people I care about the most, then what the fuck am I even doing?

This all probably sounds like an angry rant and maybe it is, but the only person I’m angry with is myself. And I’m hoping by letting out these fumes into the blog, I won’t keep beating myself up in my head.

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